grrrrrr on you.

to the person who walked into my garage and took my lawnmower and trimmer:

-that was very, very un-cool. very un-cool. i should’ve known better than to leave my garage door open, but you should’ve known better than to mess with a man’s lawnmower. you know that a man and his lawn mower have a special bond, don’t you? it was like a son to me. i looked forward to that lawn mower ever since allison and i started saving up for a home. i adopted it from the shelves of lowe’s, where it sat like a puppy staring at me from a cage. i worked slavishly against 4 arkansas summers to grow a lawn, just so that mower could feel the joy of thick grass against its blade. may it leak oil all over your driveway.

-did you realize it’s 105 degrees outside? and yet you want to mow a lawn? you really are crazy.

-the mower has never not started on me the first time. that’s what happens when you have a 6.5 horsepower 22″ troy-bilt with a routinely maintenanced engine—it takes care of you. i don’t know if you should expect the same favor. troy-bilts have a way of knowing when they’ve been unlawfully ganked from another man’s garage.

-had you knocked on the door and asked nicely, i would’ve loaned it to you, really. that’s how much i love that lawn mower—i want everyone to experience the joy it brings. but you’ve shown you can’t understand that joy.

-the echo trimmer was another winner, but the grip was starting to slide. good luck fixing that. but if i find it on ebay for anything less than $100, i’m coming after you. i wish you would’ve taken the bright-orange string too. now everytime i go into the garage, it looks at me with its bold, neon-ness and reminds me of our loss. if you were a really good thief, you would’ve found a garage with a straight-shaft model version rather than the curved-shaft. may your lower back cower in absolute pain.

-why’d you stop there? why didn’t you take the grill off the back porch? or my AC unit? why didn’t you just take my heart? thanks for leaving the golf clubs, power tools, cabinet doors, strollers and camping equipment. then again, you probably figured that i could hunt you down if you were running down wagon wheel drive pushing a lawn mower with a hammock on your back.

-try to come near my garage again, just try. i’ll sick the brown recluses on you.

you bested me this time but i’m not done with you. you probably steal little kids’ bikes too.

grrrr. grr grr grr.


~ by bradherndon on August 5, 2008.

6 Responses to “grrrrrr on you.”

  1. Young Herndon: This is the most ingenious thing I’ve read in a long time. Kudos to you!

  2. So sorry for your loss – it is obvious that it will take time to adjust. But I must say – your journalism degree shines through in your blogs!! Yippie for Journalism majors!!!

  3. Sorry pal – I remember your mower…it indeed was a “cut” above as I walked behind it’s goodness when my Scotts died after 10 years of faithful service.

    If you need to borrow a mower – please let me return the favor brotha…

  4. i think we should lay a trap for him when he comes back… like put a new mower out in your yard there for the taking, and when the thief comes, one of those hidden nets springs up and suspends him in the air. Then your kid can run out and poke him freely with sticks or whatever else kids do to oppress thieves and such

  5. You know, I’ve had a lot of brother-in-laws in my lifetime. I think you’re my favorite one though.

  6. […] things have a place in my heart like this beloved laptop (well, one did). sure she’s old. a little beastly. loud. and slow as ever. but so what? she put allison […]

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